In Which I Tell You 10 Meaningless Things

I decided today that I would number my thoughts. This was to keep me from rambling. It didn't work. 

1. I have kind of disappeared off the face of the planet. I thrive off of routine, but have never seemed to get into one that works for our family. It doesn't help that Josh has the craziest schedule of all time. Thankfully his random schedule is somehow predictable these days. Not that it makes it any better, but what can you do. Maybe one day I will have him home for dinner every day and can rely on him coming home before the kiddos are asleep in bed. I attempted a new "schedule" last week where I devoted each day to one thing. Monday was cleaning the bathroom and doing a little work in the afternoon. Tuesday is my work day (I do a little side work for Limeberry and another little fun "job") since my mom takes Eden for the afternoon. And so on... This actually worked well for me, and  I am attempting to stick with it this week. I do have a hard time letting go of the cleaning on days that aren't meant for cleaning because let's face it. I am psychotic and I can't handle germies. 

2. Life is a bit...crazy..for us right now. Crazy being the understatement of the century. So far there hasn't been an end to that craziness in over 2 years. Sheesh. I wish I could explain more, but a lot of it is something we just cannot share yet. I will say we are so thankful for a basement to rent at my parents and for food. Even if I am not so good at sharing a house with my parents, my sister, and three dogs. Sorry guys, I am still working on sharing at 28 years old. True story.

3. Speaking of dogs and humans...I have a serious aversion to hair. I mean I kinda always knew that, but being surrounded by two big dogs and 3 girls with long dark hair has taught me that I have a real problem. Loose hair gives me hives. Every time a dog hair tumbleweed blows by in our hallway I have a small heart palpitation and run for the vacuum. Again...I have issues.

4. You know how a lot of people talk about Pinterest being an issue for them? I actually find Pinterest to be very helpful. For some reason I don't feel "less than" while looking at pretty homes and fun crafts and such. I just use them for inspiration. Try to change your thinking while you are on there. Let it be something that encourages you to be a better wife/mom/friend. One thing I have appreciated while we wait for a place of our own is the chance to REALLY figure out my personal decorating style. I used to think I totally loved traditional with a twist of modern, but upon searching my boards I noticed I really tend towards a vintage/modern/farmhouse/eclectic vibe. Hmm...maybe I should make a name for that style. Vimotic Farmhouse. Yup. I am now more giddier than ever to have a place of our own (an apartment I am sure) to decorate to my hearts content. Of course using what we already have on hand because we do our best to not spend a dime. Because we have zero dimes of course. 

5. I write blog posts in my head every day. I also do this with letters. And emails. And facebook messages. And texts. Oh and I even write books in my head. Sadly, they rarely get written down. Sorry all. I am still learning to type one handed while cradling a rather large baby in the other okay? Thanks for understanding.

6. I LOVE MY KIDS. Seriously. For some reason people are under the false impression that I think having two kids is hard. That's not the truth. Not one bit. Okay maybe sometimes I want to scream, but it's usually because the dogs barked at the mailman and woke up both kids who are now crying because they are so tired but got woken up far too early. How's that for a run-on sentence? Just the other day I was feeding Israel while watching Eden play and got super excited thinking about having a big family. I always swore I would never have more than two kids...and then Jesus (and Josh) helped me to see that I was meant for a big family. I'm not an amazing mom...oh no...far from it, but training up these babies to be lovers of Jesus and  His people gives me serious joy. Now I look at my younger self and laugh. Two kids? No way....I would be perfectly content if that is all we were blessed with, but something tells me we have some beautiful different colored skinned babies coming our way. 

7. Speaking of adoption. It's funny how God can break your heart over time. Adoption has been something I have felt called to since I was four years old. That was never a question. God instructs His children to look after the orphan. I cannot say no to that. However, it wasn't until recently that He opened my heart to special needs. Josh and I are still praying hard about it, but we have enjoyed some talks as we think about what that could mean for our family. One thing we talked about was how often we say "that is for someone else." Instead of saying, "why not us?!" Just something we are praying about.

8. I am a hermit. I have always known I was a homebody. That is obvious. BUT the other day Josh said, "Mallory, you aren't just a homebody, you are a hermit." Said in the nicest way possible of course. He is right though. I am. Add to that the fact that much of our married life we have shared a car which means I don't have one and well, it means I NEVER leave. Sadly, it rarely bothers me and I know that is bad. Something I am working on. I figure if I write it down it will make me feel more convicted. Maybe.

9. This wasn't meant to be a self discovery post all about me, but well, apparently that is what I had to say for the day. 

10. This weekend we are celebrating the marriage of a friend I have known since middle school. And we get to travel for it. Which means a vacation! WOOHOO. The wedding is in Sunriver and I am so very excited because we haven't been to that area in 6.5 years. That is not okay. 

The end. For now. 

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Serve

I wanted to share a quick something with you all today. Something that doesn't cost money, but does require a tiny bit of effort. Something I think is worth it. Let me give you a back story (don't I always feel the need to do this?!). 

Pregnancy is not my best time. I know I am so beyond blessed to have carried two babies. Trust me, I realize the blessing that is when so many people are unable to do the same. My heart aches for you, really it does. I do my best to not be the typical complaining pregnancy lady. I find complaining to be quite ugly really. Although, this pregnancy has been much more painful so I did start to feel a little more compassion to those that whine about all of those aches and pains...I actually really got it this time. The worst part of pregnancy for me is the hormones. My attitude is quite lame honestly. And my patience? Non-existent. This bothers me a ton and takes a lot of prayer to try to get past it. Then there is the whole...I'm already a control freak who obsesses over cleanliness and then gets nesting thrown on top of that and well, I am certifiably crazy. 

Guess who bears the brunt of my crazies? The husband. My best friend. The father of my babies. 

This hurts me and I know it hurts him...although the rockstar that he is, he doesn't even say a word and just keeps helping me through it all. Thanks babe! 

So I was reading somewhere one day (probably a blog because that's where I get a lot of inspiration these days) and I saw the suggestion to stop complaining and nagging your husband over all the little things that make you frustrated and just do it. 

Enter the shower curtain. 

I am not OCD, but I do consider myself borderline sometimes. Little things will make me crazy. The way the soap dispenser is facing, toilet paper must always be refilled and obviously the toilet paper goes over and not under, pillows get put a certain way, etc. Yes, I know it is crazy, but these are the things that help my chaotic life feel a little less chaotic. So, what is it about a seemingly harmless shower curtain that makes me insane? It MUST be pushed back to the right side (i.e. the side where all the toiletries are sitting, NOT the side with the faucet). Crazy right? But it drives me insane if it is any other way. Sadly, my poor husband does not understand this. 

In one of my hormonal rampages, I was frustrated that once again the toilet paper roll was empty, socks were left lying on the floor, and the shower curtain was THE WRONG WAY. I was thisclose to having one of my crazy episodes when I remembered what I had read about not nagging and just fixing whatever is bugging you. So, I did it. I grumbled a bit under my breath, but honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. 

I've been doing this for a couple of months now. I can pretty much guarantee Josh has not noticed and probably didn't realize how annoyed I was at it. And you know what? I wasn't doing it so that he would notice. Usually I would want him to take note that I am this great wife who is doing such a great thing. But really? I just want to serve him with a happy heart. I hadn't realized how much I was struggling with the serving part. I mean, I cook him dinner, wake him up for work, clean up the house...isn't that enough?! Answer? NOPE. 

You may be reading this and you may not have a husband. So, who else can you serve today? A friend? A family member? A coworker? Try it. It may not come natural at first, sure didn't for me, but soon enough you may be able to do it with a smile on your face. Seriously. And maybe I am the only person out there who freaks out about seemingly insignificant things and struggles with nagging...so um, hello, welcome to my life. 

I almost didn't post this. Mainly because I didn't want this to look like I was saying, "LOOK AT ME!!!" and obviously Josh will read this and will know what I have been doing. But, I felt like it was something that needed to be shared and honestly? It will challenge me to find other ways to serve him. 

So...GO. Go fix that shower curtain. Don't say a word and just do it. SERVE.

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Project 52:25 | Overwhelmed

I've seen the signs for awhile. It started as a gentle whisper and has slowly turned into a very loud yell. I have a very strong tendency towards putting too much on my plate. I am by no means as busy as most people I know. I watch my friends and think "how do they do it all?!" Yet, I have realized that I have my own limit and every time I push myself too hard I break. It happened today (well it's been happening throughout the week). I found myself craving the sweet melodies of worship. I put my headphones in, turned on my favorite worship music radio station, and tuned out. The tears started falling. I couldn't stop them. I fell to the floor in my closet and let the sobs escape my lips. I gave up trying to pretend I was strong. I wanted to be able to do everything and I didn't want to let anyone down. I had so many people counting on me and it turns out by pushing myself and not ever saying no I have now gotten to a point where I am mostly useless. I need to pack for the weekend. I need to clean the house, and yet, I can't move. Literally my limbs were heavy and I couldn't pick myself up off the ground. I don't like feeling this way, especially when I have a sick toddler who needs me. Every time I kick myself for ignoring those gentle whispers, urging me to slow down, to lighten the load I was trying to carry by myself. I didn't listen. On top of all of that it's been a bit of an emotional week for our family. I know I always tell you how I want to be open and honest, but this is just something that needs to be between us for now. I'm sure it'll be shared when the timing is right, but for now I need to process in my own way. 

Thanks for letting me pour my heart out on my blog. These Project 52 posts really are therapeutic and so very good for my soul. Each week I learn so much more about myself and my Savior. I feel like I see Him in a new light each day. I am loving growing with Him. I love knowing that even when I am so weary, He is taking on all of my burdens. Now I just need to let Him. 

For more Project 52 goodness, check out these fine blogs:

styleberry BLOG, Lucas and Mahina, Wicked Kate, The Mog Blog, Dana Moran Photography

Let me know if you want to join in on the fun! It's never too late to start your Project 52 :)

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Break My Heart

When I started this blog I figured it would be all about my love for everything home and design. I loooooved interior design and obviously due to the hubs career I'm exposed to beautiful homes on a daily basis. Never did I think I would go through such a life changing transformation and expose it here, for the world to see. I didn't know I would be comfortable being fully real on here. Yet, here I am. Finding out who I am and who I'm supposed to be right where everyone can see. It means opening myself up to criticism and you know what? I have come to terms with that.

The thing is, my heart is broken. I've always had a place in my heart for children..especially when it comes to children who do not have permanent homes. My heart just aches. I knew I would adopt..it started at four years old and that desire never stopped. Now I must interject and say that yes, of course I would love to say that all the children who do not have homes may be adopted by a family member. This in many cases is ideal. However, this isn't always a reality for many children. I wish I had the ability to become a second mom to all of the children who are needing a home. I know they could all teach me way more than I am capable of learning on my own.

Really I would love to just start with one. But that's just not in Gods plan right now. However Josh and I are both feeling the need to aid those who don't have homes...help those who have been left behind by a husband who has passed away..single moms....we just want to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

I've been praying the same prayer, "Jesus, break my heart for what breaks yours," on a daily basis. God was most certainly listening. We have found that our hearts are most certainly in Africa and we want to be there. We want to sponsor children so they can go to school, we want to go over and work in orphanages...we want to help in any way we can even when it seems impossible. I saw an opportunity for a mission trip to Ethiopia in July. Our gut reaction was..that's too soon, we could never have enough money to go by then. But isn't that limiting what our God can do? Whose to say that He couldn't provide the large sum of money needed for us to go. We are praying hard about it and we would love if you would pray with us too.

I designed this print in honor of my favorite song, "Hosanna." It's a line from the song that captured my attention one morning and it has stayed with me since. If you want to be challenged in a big way, pray that God will break your heart. You never know what He may lead you to, but whatever it is I can promise you'll be forever changed.

Thank you dear friends for the love you have shown us. It means so much to us each and every day.

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Project 52:12 | Unexpected

Our lives are so "up in the air" right now. We know we are selling our house, but after that we have no idea where we are going. I have NEVER been good at being flexible. I ALWAYS had a plan and that plan was always neatly written in my planner. I knew what was going to happen every day and how it was going to happen. Then I met Josh's family. Every time we visit we have no idea what to expect. Literally...watch us pack our bags for a weekend trip up there...you'll see shorts, pants, workout clothes, ski jackets, swimsuits...honestly, anything can happen while we are there. That stretched me beyond belief. I had to learn to be flexible. His family is now my family and I needed to respect the way that they were. This was so very hard for me, but you know what? It was the best thing that ever happened. 

If you asked me 5 years ago while Josh and I were nearing our wedding day what I thought life would be like, here would be my answer.

"Josh will have a great job. He will make lots of money to be able to take care of our family. We will own a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in a cute little suburb in Salem, Oregon. We will have two kids, a boy and a girl. Of course we will have a little dog too! I'm driving the kids around in an Acura MDX (my dream SUV) and Josh will have his BMW. I'll be a stay at home mom. We will be in the process of adopting a little girl from China. Josh is playing soccer for his hobby. We are involved in our church (we were at a different one when we were first married). Everything will be picture perfect."

I laugh at my naive self. I don't think it was wrong to dream and have plans, but would I be happy if life had happened that way? ABSOLUTELY NOT. At this moment we can't pay our bills. We have a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house that we are currently giving up. I'm driving a car that was made the year I was in 3rd grade, it's missing a headlight from its third accident. Josh is driving a minivan that was made the year he was in 2nd grade. It's missing pretty much everything. I am a stay at home mom, but many times feel like I'm being guilt tripped for it...as if I am not working hard enough for my family. Josh is working two jobs that are both wonderful, but neither are able to give us a stable income at the moment. We realized adopting from China was out of reach (for now!), but are feeling so pulled to Ethiopia. Sadly, we are unable to adopt with our financial issues so adopting is totally out of reach at this time. We are involved in a new church that we absolutely LOVE and can't get enough of. And we have NO IDEA where we are going to live or how often we will have to move over the next couple of years. I have renamed us the Gypsies. I have the feeling it's going to be fitting.

Can I tell you something though? I'm the happiest I've ever been. The things of this Earth are so unsatisfying to me. I love beautiful houses, but will a beautiful house make me happy? Not really. The thing is there are people that are hurting so much more than we are. They live under bridges, they don't have clean water to drink, they don't have shoes on their feet. Lately, our hearts have been breaking for the people of Ethiopia. We are starting to realize that while adoption is not a possibility for us at this time, helping the people of Ethiopia is. We aren't sure what that means, but we know we are ready for whatever it is God is going to throw our way. 

I know this became a novel simply from a Project 52 post, but this is real and it is raw and it is what needed to be written. Project 52 has become so much more than just a chance to challenge my photography...it is challenging me as a person, a wife, a mom, a friend, a daughter...this is not what I signed up for and yet it's the best thing for me right now. 

Thanks for coming along on this adventure. As God gives us direction, we'll fill you in, but for now we are just standing at the ready, waiting for our next adventure!

For more Project 52 goodness, check out these fine blogs:

styleberry BLOG, Lucas and Mahina, Wicked Kate, The Mog Blog, Dana Moran Photography

Let me know if you want to join in on the fun! It's never too late to start your Project 52 :)

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On This Cloudy Monday...

Grab a cup of coffee and get comfy because I have a lot on my mind and I have no idea where I am going to go with it...so since I think of you all as friends, I figured who better to spill my heart out to, right?

First things first...my computer died. I mean it won't even turn on. It's a goner. Technically Josh can fix it, but I have jokingly said I planned on killing it so I could get my beloved MAC. Obviously this is not an actual possibility at this stage in our lives, but its worth pretending. I tend to pretend a lot. Like how I pretend that I can actually buy new clothes. Most of them hail from the early 2000's, some even from the 90's. I guess we shall call them vintage. I'm not complaining, but it leads to my next point. 

Our family is broke. I think I've hinted at it a couple times. I don't think any of you thought we were taking baths in money here, but things are beyond just tight. Things have gotten real and they have gotten scary at times. I tend to be a frugal sort and will do anything to save a buck (seriously one of these days I'll share my money saving tips and I think some of you are going to be scared). With the realization that we NOTHING (in the monetary sense...we have EVERYTHING in a spiritual sense) we started to be even more radical in our approach to life. One thing? It looks like we are officially giving up our house. So many have asked how I feel about it and honestly? We feel great! We are going to miss this place so much when it is gone, but we know it is absolutely the best thing for our family. I'll probably be talking about the house a lot as I really want to preserve the memories of this house, every square foot of it (don't worry...there are only 834). 

The thing about being without money is that a lot of times you have to deal with some tougher issues. We have learned humility a whole lot of times throughout the past year. I've learned to smile through the tears as yet another person yells at me because I can't pay them. Don't they know I want to so bad? Most of these moments are so very embarrassing, but I am sharing them because I can almost guarantee someone out there that is reading this is going through the same thing. I want you to know to not be ashamed. It will all be okay. Trust me, I have to tell myself this daily. 

The whole money thing has taught me a lot about the friendships I have. Some of them have grown stronger and others not so much. So many people have prayed for us and with us and that means the world. However, I know a lot of friends just don't know how to approach us right now and that's okay, we get it. I'm struggling with feeling burned by a few people right now and I so desperately want to imitate Jesus and love them just the same. But it's hard. I find myself wanting to avoid those friendships right now because I don't think I can plaster a smile on my face and love them the way that I should. I know this sounds awful, and I agree, but it's just what I am feeling right now.

Did you know that I have struggled with depression since I was 12? It wasn't until the summer before I met Josh that I finally pushed myself to get help. Now the pain from it all is so rare that it shocks me every time I feel that dark gray cloud looming overhead. It seems like I have to fight a bit harder right now and I know its just a time of testing. I'll get through it, I always do, but I think I am just trying to hard to fight everyone's battles alone. I cannot possibly do this and sometimes I forget that. The thing is, I absolutely hate watching people hurt and it seems like so many friends are hurting right now. I wish I could just fix everything for everyone and I know that I cannot do that. So I pray. A lot. I just always want my friends to know I am there. ALWAYS. You know what is sad? Back in college I had a classmate who turned to me and said, "You cannot be a Christian and have depression. If you are depressed then you aren't really a Christian." WHOA. She wasn't speaking about me, she was speaking in a general sense, but she had NO IDEA the pain that I had gone through. Guess what? You can be sad and love Jesus all the same, and He will get you through it. 

I don't know if any of you are still here reading. Probably not and that's okay. If any of you are, I just wanted to let you know that all of this has kept me from blogging. You know I'm always talking about being open and honest on here, but I found myself unable to blog because I didn't want to be honest about all of this. I love to smile and I like to make others smile and this stuff? This stuff is just sad. But, it's my reality now. And I realized that even if this only helps one person on this whole Earth, well, then it's so worth me typing out the raw emotions I am feeling right now. Can I be honest about blogging? Some days it is such a wonderful thing and I LOVE it. There were a few times where I thought it might be fun to make money off of the blog just because I'm always wanting to make a buck. Yet, I love feeling like I have nothing holding me back. I can post about anything I want because it's mine. You know what holds me back from posting more often? Criticism. I find myself tortured when no one comments. What a bad bad attitude to have. Yes, I have chosen to be out here on the vast internet, but I need to always remind myself that I am blogging for me and in doing so, I hope some of you like what I have to offer. I'm learning to let go of my fears from my wonderful husband. I don't think he knows that he is teaching me anything, but he is. See, Josh, and all of those other real estate agents out there handle rejection, criticism, failures, etc. each day. How they do this with a smile on their face is beyond me! It's why I have always said I could never be an agent...they must have backbones made of steel. Either way, I am so proud of Josh and what he does every day and I am thankful that I am learning to not take everything to heart. Phew..that's hard.

Well, thanks for any of you that made it through this novel. I know I never have pictureless posts, but that's just what you are getting today...especially since I am without my trusty laptop. Thanks for allowing me to be honest always :) If any of this was familiar to you, know that I am always praying for you and that you can make it through, you just have to believe that you can! 

XoXo,

Mallory

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This Is Where Our Story Begins

Don't worry, my Project 52 is coming...but I had a little something on my heart that I wanted to share. Specifically a blog, and a book, and a young woman who is on an incredible journey.

I was introduced to Katie's blog during a MOPS meeting. A few women at my table were talking about her and were so passionate and excited as they described who she was and what she was doing. I took note and told myself I should find out more, but time got the best of me and I never got a chance. However, today, I remembered. I'll most definitely say it was a God thing because I happened to be on one blog, that directed me to another blog with a Gotcha Day video (a video that shows the journey to bringing a child in to their forever home). The blog that had posted their Gotcha Day video of their little girl that they had brought home from Ethiopia last year also had a video of Katie. Intrigued, I watched...and I was broken. 

*For those of you reading this not on our actual blog, there is a video embedded into this post. If you don't see it you'll need to click on to the blog to see it. Trust me, its worth it :)

This is a woman of faith. Courage. One who shows grace and mercy to all that she meets. A young woman who is now a mom to thirteen beautiful girls. She has an amazing testimony and yet she is completely humble. While we can all sit here praising her for all that she has done, she merely sees herself as a vessel. A child of God that is just following what He commands. 

I've been feeling like through all of the hardships that my little family has been going through that God has something BIG in store. Every day I feel it. I feel that tug in my heart that says, "Listen. Go. Be open. Be available." I have no idea what it means. I have no idea what God is planning. I just feel confident that it's something that is going to stretch me beyond my little bubble. I have lived a VERY safe life. I let excuses get in the way of doing God's work. I know that this may just be a time for us to minister to the precious little life God blessed us with...we want Eden to grow to be a loving and caring young woman...but maybe being safe isn't helping her at all. I wish God was leading us to adoption right now. My heart aches each and every day knowing that there are babies and children waiting for a family. I know our baby is out there and that God will bring us to that child when the time is right. I know He can do incredible things, but its hard to see that when our lives are just so incredibly unpredictable right now. We can't afford food for our one child, so we most definitely can't provide it for another. That's hard. It hurts. But it's true. So, for that part of our story, I will continue to wait for God's timing. For now, Josh and I both know something crazy is about to go down and I am going to work to let my guard down and break that bubble I live in so we can follow the path that God has created for us.

Am I scared? You betcha. But, I am ready. And I know it's going to be so worth it. 

Here am I Lord, send me. Isaiah 6:8

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From My Heart

I almost didn't write this. I thought about keeping this to myself. I mean in reality it didn't end up being that big of a deal, so I might as well just keep it between the few that know. However, the thing is, I always go back to my goal of being honest. I also realize that most of the time the things that I experience have also been experienced by others, and I don't know about you, but I know I like to know I am not alone. So here it is.

I have been nursing Eden for 1 year and 2 weeks. I far surpassed what I originally thought I could handle. Honestly, before I was pregnant I used to say, "Three months is my limit! There is no way I want a baby attached to me after that." Oh silly, naive me. Well, anyway, as of yesterday, Eden had been done nursing for one week. It happened gradually and while it was a bit weird, we were both more than ready to end that part of our bond (Eden made that clear). This leads us to yesterday morning.

I found a lump. It kind of surprised me. The funny thing is I dealt with plugged ducts the entire time I was breastfeeding which would cause lumps ALL.THE.TIME. However, I knew it wasn't normal. I called my OB and they scheduled me for an ultrasound that afternoon. I had never wished I was pregnant more than that moment, because suddenly the word "ultrasound" had a much different meaning. I was shaking, but worked on holding it together. I'm a mom now, we are supposed to be calm and rational right? I would say I am pretty gifted at staying level headed about things (okay well there are a time or two...or three that this was not the case) but for some reason I just lost it. I did the ugly cry. I now remember why waterproof mascara was invented and why I should never buy anything else again. It was funny because I knew no matter what, it was going to be okay, and yet, I actually felt scared. I was so thankful that I didn't have to wait long to get an answer because I may have driven myself crazy.

1:45 p.m. came and it was appointment time. I noted that the ultrasound technician looked younger than me. That seemed strange and yet somewhat comforting. She was nice. With Josh by my side I laid on that familiar bed with the same black and white screen in front of me. Only this time, there was no cute blob of a baby to look at, and no heartbeat to count. Just weird wavy lines that meant nothing. The tech poked and prodded and printed photos. She made a comment about not getting dressed and needing a second opinion.

My heart sank. No one needs a second opinion for a lousy plugged duct. This is when Josh started making jokes about ducks and gooses. 

She returned. "We believe its an infection," she says. Right. I was over thinking everything and I am fine. I may have thought, "I can't believe I just paid thousands of dollars to find out I have a stinking infection!" Don't let that make you think I wasn't thankful because I was more than thankful. I realize not everyone gets to find out that they only have an infection. Not everyone gets to walk out with just some nasty antibiotics that are supposed to make you sick four times a day. It could have been so much worse. It's been hitting me hard since yesterday. My day went from sad to happy so quickly. I started playing the "why" game. Why was I the one that got to walk out of there with that news? Why do others have to hear the news that changes their life forever? I'm so thankful for everything that God has given me, and so glad to know that He has a plan for everyone. I wish I could say I understand it all, but I don't. 

So, for now, I keep taking those pills, praying that it really is just an infection. In one week we should know. Otherwise I'll be back for more tests. In the meantime, I am using this as a reminder to be thankful for what I have as well as reminder that our lives are fleeting so live them in the best way possible. 

Thanks for listening.

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The Weight Of Motherhood

My heart has been really heavy today (honestly it feels like I'm going to fall over from all the weight) and I just felt the need to unload a bit. This blog is nothing if not therapeutic for me and sometimes I just need to use it simply for that. 

Being a mom is hard. Like harder than any job I have ever had...and let me tell you, I have had some crazy strict bosses (Tina- I am talking to you! Okay, not really you just happen to read the blog..like you could be strict..). I am saying this because I had one of those moments today with Eden where your life flashes before your eyes, only it wasn't mine, it was hers. 

Eden and I were hanging out in the kitchen and she has this ADORABLE shirt that my parents gave her that she tends to like to pull strings out of. I saw that she had pulled a string rather far and I dove down faster than I even knew I could. I grabbed the string and yanked it away horribly quick. I had these visions of her swallowing it (earlier she had rocks in her mouth so it really isn't that hard to believe that the string would go directly into her digestive system). Immediately after pulling she started screaming. She is not one to get terribly upset about much of anything. My heart plummeted. Something was wrong, very wrong. 

I fell to the floor to examine the hand that I had pulled the thread from and that's when I saw it. Eden had wrapped the thread around her finger and when I yanked it, it caused it to tighten and knot the thread. Her finger quickly turned red, and then lavender, and then a deep shade of plum. I was shaking and knew I needed to act fast. The problem was, the thread was wound so tightly around her finger that I couldn't get anything under it in order to cut it off. I panicked. I wanted to call 911, but I couldn't even get myself to leave her side. I kept pulling...grabbing scissors...anything I could find to try to get the thread off, but nothing worked. I knew the hospital was exactly ONE MINUTE away, but the idea of putting her in her carseat where I wouldn't be able to check on her horrified me. I was going to have to call an ambulance. As I watched her cry and lay there helplessly I knew I had try one more time. I thanked God for my super long fingernails and prayed that they could miraculously get under that thread (I had already tried multiple times to no avail). Thankfully my nail got under it and I just started pulling as fast as I could. 

The screams coming out of Eden made me aware of how extremely painful it was for her. I felt horrible, but I knew in the long run this was the best thing I could do for her. After what seemed like hours, I got the thread off. I pulled her so close and just rocked her back and forth on the kitchen floor. I kept shaking and saying "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry...mommy loves you..." over and over, but did not cry. I couldn't shake that icky feeling inside and grabbed the phone to call Josh. I tried holding it together as I recounted every moment of that terrible accident, but I just couldn't. I lost it. Hot tears streamed down my face as I realized how close Eden was to no longer having any circulation to her finger. The image of her finger starting to go black was haunting me. I kept thinking, "God, I said to keep her safe inside me! I knew I couldn't handle having her out in the world where there is so much pain!" However, I knew deep down that no matter how scary that moment was for the both of us, I am so very glad she is here on this earth. 

Sometimes I don't feel like I am that great of a mother, but I can't imagine my life without Eden. There are days where I question the way I am raising her. I try to do what's right and yet I constantly have people judging what I do. I know what Josh and I are doing is right for us and for our baby, but it is hard not to question yourself when people judge. I am constantly feeling the pressure to be more selfish in life. "You should have lots of alone time." "Putting her to bed at the same time every night keeps you from staying out, you shouldn't be so strict." "You shouldn't let her eat and fall asleep, it's not good for her." Honestly, it is so hard not to question who I am as a mom. After today I realized something. God made me Eden's mom, no one else. She is my responsibility. I will always choose to do what I believe to be the best thing for our family and even if that doesn't fit into someone else's life or schedule I will stick to what I believe in. In that moment of pure terror, the only one that could help Eden was me. Eden cannot help herself...that's why she has me. Eden's needs will come first, as will any other babies God blesses us with. 

I say all of this as an encouragement to all you mom's...soon to be mom's...and ladies who desire to be moms. Parenting is HARD, but know that you are doing/will do a great job. I know it. No matter what you do, know what is best for your child and stick with it. God designed us to nurture and raise up our children so let's rock that responsibility. Don't let people get in the way of that. 

I know not all of you that read this blog have a faith in God, and that's just fine. Since my faith is such an important part of my life, I wanted to share a portion of scripture that I read and think about all the time. 

"She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed;  her husband also, and he praises her:  “Many women do noble things,  but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;  but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done,    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."      Proverbs 31: 27-31

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The House That Never Was

My husband is a destroyer of dreams. A dream destroyer if you will.

He and I both share one thing in common. We are dreamers. Both of us could dream of our futures for hours and truly believe we can do or be anything. Most of the time money gets in the way. Sometimes reality does. However, today, my dreamer of a husband decided to be the voice of reason. Excuse me, WHAT?!

One thing you should know about me is that I am the world's most indecisive person. Those of my friends or family members that actually read my blog are definitely shouting, "AMEN SISTA!" right as I type. Well, not right as I type because obviously if I am still typing I haven't published this post. Moving on. So, today's indecisiveness happened to be regarding houses. See, Josh and I disagree on the number of children we want to have. I am most certainly a planner and some days it is very hard when someone asks, "how many children do you want to have?" It is very innocent in nature, but inside I am thinking, "oh my goodness I don't know and this is not good and what should I do and I must have an answer!" Actually I am just screaming inside.

So what do kids and houses and indecisiveness have to do with one another. Nothing. Okay, actually everything. See, I wanted two kids. Josh wanted three. I absolutely DID NOT want three. I need even numbers people (that's normal right?). Days after Eden was born Josh had the nerve to say, "I want at least four kids." Did you catch that? AT LEAST. Want to hear the crazy part? I am actually open to this if that is what God has in store for our family. Oh dear me I have gone off the deep end. Alright, so kids...houses...lots of kids...need big house. 

While thinking of big houses I started dreaming. The bad thing about my dreaming is that I then go crazy and start finding houses (benefits of having a real estate agent for a husband) and I can never just settle on one...I love lots of houses...in lots of areas. However today, well today I found our family the perfect house. Want to see?

Just seeing this one photo I pretty much died inside. Now, look down at the next photo just to ensure you all realize that I have truly gone off the deep end.

Yes, that would be a barn folks. And you know where barns are? On farms. In the country. I am a CITY girl...I grew up in Southern California. I pray daily that I can live there again. For some reason though, I found this house and thought, "I could do this. I could live on a farm with acreage. I can see myself with kids running around my feet and playing hide and seek amongst the trees." Honestly I am working very hard at letting go of what I think I want and being open to whatever path God has planned for me. Oh and the best part about this barn? Umm...hello PERFECT photo shoot in my very own backyard.

I'll take you on the rest of the tour.

That's my fireplace. It's original and I love it. I would add a giant hunk of wood for a mantle...preferably one from an old barn or something special like that. Can't you imagine all of our stockings hanging there for Christmas? Definitely can't be 59 kids and counting...I don't think we have enough room for all of those stockings.

Oh hello kitchen. I would knock out some walls to make it open to the rest of the house most definitely. Those lower cabinets? They would be painted dark gray. The upper cabinets? Say bye-bye because they would be replaced with open shelving.

Here's a little inspiration for you.

Source: vtinteriors.blogspot.com via Mallory on Pinterest

Be still my heart. Look at those wood floors. And the large area. Lots of room for little feet to run around. 

So, I pitched the idea to Josh. I said, "look...I think this is the only time I am going to be crazy enough to suggest moving to the sticks. If you want 21 kids we are going to need a large home. Oh, and did I mention it has a barn?! I can have all of the photo shoots I want! Honestly, what else do we need?! Oh and I'll love you forever." 

How can you say no to this? Oh, I don't know, why don't you ask my cranky pants husband. If any of you don't have a cranky pants husband let me tell you about my house so you know all of the details in case you think she should be your home. I may set up a tent in your backyard. Hope you don't mind.

The footage to your square: 2230
Rooms for your beds: 3 (although I see 4 listed elsewhere so who knows)
Places to potty: 2.5
Acres to roam: 2
Monies you would need: 204,900 (yes, you read that right!!!)
Location of perfect farmhouse: The Boonies of Salem

I love my house, I really do, but can you deny the fabulousness of this home?! It is just begging for me to fix it up.

Oh and by the way, if you decide to make her yours I know a great real estate agent who can show it to you.

Also, this is not my husband's listing. I showed it to him. The agent does not know me and does not care to (well, I added that last part). I just had to feature this house that I am in love with.

So long house....

*All fuzzy house photos (unless listed otherwise) are via the mls listing here.

************************************

P to the S - I still love you cranky pants, but I am starting to rethink having a gaggle of children...  ;)

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Scattered Thoughts With Some Chocolate For Good Measure

To say I have been busy is quite the understatement. Even though a majority of the past couple of weeks have been spent in total seclusion in my home, I still haven't even had time (and somewhat the desire) to blog. This is a crazy concept to me since I LOVE blogging. My blog just gets me. I know, it doesn't have brains or anything, but it's just really nice to be able to type out all the things that happen in this wacky head of mine without judgment (okay so you two readers out there may judge me, but I am okay with that).

Here's the thing. I have been a single mom (well it feels that way) for a few weeks and I. AM. OVER. IT. Josh has been working overtime to try to get our shop open as quickly as possible. Open equals money and money equals groceries. I am so proud of he and my dad for all of the hard work they have put into it and I am so very thankful for this opportunity...seriously, so thankful...but, BUT I miss my baby daddy. We are all a bit lost without him here all the time. Sadly, the few times he does come home I am usually a grump because I just don't even know how to share the house with anyone other than a baby and a whiny dog. I'm such an Eeyore. 

The expression Eden gets as soon as her daddy comes home

Things get worse. Yeah, I know, how is it even possible since my life is so very terrible (enter sarcasm here). We chose to be a one car family about a year and a half ago and while we never regret it we have come to find that now that Josh is working outside the home and I am not, well, sometimes I get a little frustrated that I am stuck inside. Ironically, for those who don't know me real well, I don't actually drive. I know how to drive. I do in fact like to drive. However, after an astronomical amount of accidents and such I choose to leave the driving up to Josh. I am quickly realizing that while I probably wouldn't leave the house much...the opportunity to leave to go to...I don't know...buy groceries, see some of the beautiful babies my lovely lady friends have had recently, go actually get some frozen yogurt, and so forth is really looking appealing. Sadly, a car is an expense that is not in the cards for now. 

Want to know how I cope with all of this? One word. CHOCOLATE. Seriously, I did not have a sweet tooth before pregnancy, or even during pregnancy...but the second my dairy allergies left me I became a sugaraholic. I crave sugar. Look at the fabulous discovery I made when I was frantically searching for any sign of sugar...

Smores. The great thing about this little treat? I didn't have to go try to figure out how to start a fire with two sticks. I just grabbed a graham cracker, snapped it in half, tossed some Ghiradelli chocolate chips on one side of the cracker (actually I strategically placed them on there, but that's just the OCD side of me), effortlessly tossed  placed marshmallows around the chocolate chips in a pretty pattern, and tossed it in the oven. At 350 degrees for 3 minutes to be exact. Ooey gooey melty chocolatey goodness. 

This wasn't my only creation. 

The sweet taste of coffee and chocolate without the price. Seriously it can't be beat. So, here's how it happened. Josh went and bought some Peet's coffee grounds with his birthday money (yeah, we do some wild stuff for our birthdays). I stole borrowed some, brewed it, and chilled it. Then when I took a celebratory trip to Winco (more on that awesomeness in a moment) I went and found me some chocolate syrup (Torani to be exact...it reminds me of my barista days). To make this heavenly concoction I just threw in some ice (crushed ice is best), coffee, lots of chocolate syrup, and some rice milk. Then I blend. Toss it into your reusable cup because we like to save the earth while we drink heavenly concoctions and add some sprinkles because you deserve it. Then, sip away. I promised Josh I wouldn't take any more of his coffee, but I'm thinking he won't notice if I take just a bit more...

While I am embarrassing myself by showing you all of the chocolate I have been indulging in, I might as well show you the most asked about creation. The microwave chocolate cake.  I won't say its heaven in a cup because its just not deserving, but it most certainly is a great way to get a chocolate fix super fast. 

Ingredients:

1/4 c. flour

5 T. sugar

2 T. cocoa powder

1 egg

3 T. milk

3 T. melted butter

Handful of chocolate chips (optional)

Dash vanilla extract 

Dash of salt

Pinch of baking soda

Pinch of baking powder

Directions:

Toss all ingredients into a large mug (I split this in half and use it for two servings) and stir together until combined. Microwave until puffed, about 1 minute 30 seconds. Sprinkle powdered sugar or cocoa powder on top. Devour.

I know the ingredients list is long, and I have seen it done with far less ingredients. However, I think your results may not be as satisfactory. I have read a ton of reviews on different versions and many people say the cake is spongy and dry. Josh and I found our version to be fairly moist. I did find that the first attempt turned out perfectly, while the second one turned out a little less appetizing. Not sure why, maybe the microwave was cranky.

One last thing...I know, I know, shut up already Mallory. 

So, I mentioned a celebratory trip to Winco. Yes, we party hard around these parts. Josh actually received a paycheck (HOORAY!!!!) so I was able to get groceries. I actually had a really hard time with this since I was so very used to not being able to buy anything, but it felt great. I even took a photo to document this blessing. 

Wow. I never thought posting a photo of our pantry would make me so happy. And hungry. Now I want to eat while simultaneously organizing and prettifying that cabinet. 

In all seriousness, it is late, I am tired, I talk to much, I should blog more so my posts aren't a mile long, time to go to bed. 

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These Are My Confessions

So, the last few months have been hard. We are talking harder than walking in 5 inch stilettos while pregnant. We have gone months without any income at all. While we had saved up enough to make it for awhile JUST IN CASE, well, that just in case happened and then it kept happening. 

We chose for me to be a stay at home mom, and we still don't regret it. Wait. Stop there. Yes, I had a VERY hard time with this aspect. Here I was sitting at home when I knew perfectly well that I could get a good paying job and support our family. However, Josh gently reminded me MANY times that we went down this path because it's where we felt God had lead us. If I were to just run back to working full-time we would just be saying that we didn't trust God...and that is absolutely not what we wanted. So, I submitted. It was not easy. I wanted to run and make some money because I was really scared. 

There was a time when we were first married where we were in a tough spot. That doesn't even compare to where we are now. This time around we have a baby and NO income. When we struggled the first time it was just the two of us and we still had an income, just a whole lot of student loans that sucked the money pit dry. Sadly, the first time we let our money situation tear our marriage apart. Thankfully, it healed and we are in a way better spot because of it. This time is different. This time there have absolutely been moments where our emotions are so raw and there are times where I get so frustrated that I lash out at the one person who I love with all of my heart. So what's the difference? We have taken this time to learn. Having not even a penny to your name teaches you to be so very creative. When you don't have money you can't spend money (brilliant, I know) so you quickly become resourceful. I have made food out of nothing more than thin air (well, that's how it seems). 

Want to know the best thing that has happened to us during this short time in our life? We have learned to truly appreciate the friends and family that God has blessed us with. No seriously, we are BLESSED. I know, I know, we should have noticed them before, but it's different now. Having people bring us food, clothing, prayers...it is so humbling. For years I have let my pride get in the way of letting God use the people He has placed in my life to bless our family. Whenever I heard the phrase, "can we pray for you?" My immediate response (in my head not out loud), "Who me?! Save your prayers for someone who really needs them." Yeah, this is not easy to admit, but it is honest. Seriously, if I had swallowed my pride for a bit I may have really been able to appreciate the relationships I have with those around me. 

Alright, here is the thing I need to say. This post wasn't meant for you to feel bad for me. Please don't. Really, I just needed an outlet to get all of these thoughts and feelings out in the open. Also, as I had mentioned before, I felt that I couldn't truly put my heart into this blog until I had been completely honest. Obviously I can't share everything on here, but this was such a big heavy thing weighing on me and it was time to let you all know where this family is at. We are so well taken care of and are going to be fine. That's the other thing...we believe we have a way out of this mess...and yes this does mean a new job. For those of you who have stuck around through all this blabbing will now know that HOPEFULLY tomorrow I will be letting you all in on our newest venture. Some of you already know, but many most likely don't. We have stayed kind of quiet about life lately just to protect ourselves. However, I think we are in the clear and as long as I get a thumbs up from the other half then I will most definitely announce it. So, hang tight...I will be back! 

Thanks for any of you that are still reading, although I don't blame you if you zoned out within the first sentence. I created this blog as an outlet for myself and I am most certainly taking advantage of it. 

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Polka Dots, Checks, And Stripes

YIKES!

That was my favorite song on the Disney channel growing up...anyone else remember that one? Anyone? Well, here is a video in case you were really excited to hear it.

Well, anyway, this has to do with some polka dots which are usually referred to as chicken pox. Well, actually, if you are me you call them "polka spots." Don't ask why cause I don't really know. I mean, when I was four and had chicken pox I named one of them "punkin." Do you see what I mean? There is just no method to my madness.

Disposable diapers are a necessity right now...don't ask why...you don't want me to elaborate.

See my little polka spotted girl? She had her first spot show up last Tuesday, but it didn't look like much of anything. Then, on Thursday I ended up calling my mom to come take a look at her cause the spot looked quite frightening. It was decided that if anything changed I would call her pediatrician right away. Well, I woke up the next morning and that spot had multiplied all over her body. They looked very strange and not like chicken pox at all. However, I got on the phone with the nurse and she had us come right in...we even had to come in a special door "just in case." Well, that "just in case" was confirmed because our girl most definitely has chicken pox. 

This girl is taking it like a champ. Some moments you wouldn't even know she had anything, however other moments (like at night) she definitely makes it clear that something is not right. It's so hard not being able to help your baby when they are hurting. This is quickly becoming the toughest mom moment because I can't do much of anything for her except bring her to our bed and snuggle. 

All this to say that yes, I realize I have been less than great at blogging lately. I just haven't been too motivated. All three of us have been passing around a cold, and then of course the polka spots came. Life has been one big hectic mess and one of these days I may be able to share it, but today is not that day. We are very thankful for the family and friends that God has placed in our lives. They have really been there for us and while it is hard to accept help, we are quickly learning that God brought us people who love to assist others. We are slowly learning to accept the fact that we are not alone in this world and that sometimes it is okay to admit that things are not easy. So there, things are not easy, but we are still happy.

Hopefully we will be back soon with some inspiration and fun projects! 

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Where's May's Flowers?

Life has just exploded since last week. I am a bit overwhelmed. Josh has tried to give me a bit of his calmness (that boy seriously does not know how to get anxious about anything), but it is no use. I just happen to be an anxious person by nature. Thankfully over the past couple of years I have calmed down a significant amount (even more so once I became pregnant as crazy as that may sound). We just have a whole lot of stuff going on at the Crain household and I am plum tuckered out. I have always wanted to say that. It makes me feel like I went back in time....

We Oregonians are a in a bit of a funk. The weather is GLOOMY. Even I am going stir crazy and I am the biggest homebody you will ever find. Thankfully God gave us a glimpse of sunshine the other day and Josh and I were quick to take advantage of it. 

Our crocuses are in full bloom. They have more than multiplied this year. I love their cute purpleness (yep, just made that word up). They are so small, but have a big impact. Thank you previous homeowner for planting these, we like them a lot.

We took a walk past the park and made a beeline for Dutch Bros. Now, I am not a fan (sorry!), mostly because I have serious allergies to their coffee, but Josh loves it so I figured why not make a trip there. That boy has been hard at work lately and under a lot of stress...so sometimes I give in and choose Dutch Bros. over my dearest Starbucks. It's okay, he bought me a cookie. 

What made this week extra special is the birth of this beauty, Cayden. Eden+Cayden=BFF's. For reals. Our friends Bryan and Charissa are the lucky parents of this baby girl. I have known those two since 6th grade. We grew up in our church's youth group together. Some of my best memories come from those days. I love that I am still friends with my church friend's, and I love it more that my husband is now friends with them. Sure makes get together's much easier. 

Oh and funny hospital story. Josh and I were about to walk in to meet Cayden when a nurse asks, "is that your baby?" pointing to Eden. Our joint response was almost, "Oh, no, actually we stole her from the baby nursery. She's already 5 months old. Imagine that." Don't worry, I think we just said, "yes." Second statement from nurse, "she's not 16." My first response (still in my head), "WHAT?! No way? I was just going to take her to get her driver's license. Gosh darn it. Now I have to drive her everywhere." Glad those nurses taught us a thing or two about our daughter...

Speaking of Miss Eden Rae, she has a special message to all of you!

"Dudes, vote for my mommy and I in this week's I Heart Faces photo challenge. You know you want to." 

What happens if you don't vote? We stop being friends. Okay, not really. Actually I don't want you to vote unless you want to and not unless you think that my baby is pretty and that the photo is at least half decent. Thank you to all of you who have voted so far. This is actually quite embarrassing for me, asking for votes, but I refuse to ignore this photography goal I have made....so why not embarrass myself a bit more. You know you like it. Either way there are some great photos (yes, I voted, and it was hard). I think you can vote through Friday. I'm probably wrong, I don't know. So, if you wanna....go HERE.

Okay now that I feel super awkward I might go crawl into Eden's crib and hide under the sleep sheep (noise machine that is inside a sheep...nevermind).  

I was going to post some photos of my attempt at being domestic for a baby shower that we had for friends of ours, but it's late and did I mention that I have to be up super early in the morning AND be social?! I am much too awkward for social situations, I really do think I should just stay in my house all day long. 

Goodnight moon.

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