Grab a cup of coffee and get comfy because I have a lot on my mind and I have no idea where I am going to go with it...so since I think of you all as friends, I figured who better to spill my heart out to, right?
>> February 13, 2012 – rantings
First things first...my computer died. I mean it won't even turn on. It's a goner. Technically Josh can fix it, but I have jokingly said I planned on killing it so I could get my beloved MAC. Obviously this is not an actual possibility at this stage in our lives, but its worth pretending. I tend to pretend a lot. Like how I pretend that I can actually buy new clothes. Most of them hail from the early 2000's, some even from the 90's. I guess we shall call them vintage. I'm not complaining, but it leads to my next point.
Our family is broke. I think I've hinted at it a couple times. I don't think any of you thought we were taking baths in money here, but things are beyond just tight. Things have gotten real and they have gotten scary at times. I tend to be a frugal sort and will do anything to save a buck (seriously one of these days I'll share my money saving tips and I think some of you are going to be scared). With the realization that we NOTHING (in the monetary sense...we have EVERYTHING in a spiritual sense) we started to be even more radical in our approach to life. One thing? It looks like we are officially giving up our house. So many have asked how I feel about it and honestly? We feel great! We are going to miss this place so much when it is gone, but we know it is absolutely the best thing for our family. I'll probably be talking about the house a lot as I really want to preserve the memories of this house, every square foot of it (don't worry...there are only 834).
The thing about being without money is that a lot of times you have to deal with some tougher issues. We have learned humility a whole lot of times throughout the past year. I've learned to smile through the tears as yet another person yells at me because I can't pay them. Don't they know I want to so bad? Most of these moments are so very embarrassing, but I am sharing them because I can almost guarantee someone out there that is reading this is going through the same thing. I want you to know to not be ashamed. It will all be okay. Trust me, I have to tell myself this daily.
The whole money thing has taught me a lot about the friendships I have. Some of them have grown stronger and others not so much. So many people have prayed for us and with us and that means the world. However, I know a lot of friends just don't know how to approach us right now and that's okay, we get it. I'm struggling with feeling burned by a few people right now and I so desperately want to imitate Jesus and love them just the same. But it's hard. I find myself wanting to avoid those friendships right now because I don't think I can plaster a smile on my face and love them the way that I should. I know this sounds awful, and I agree, but it's just what I am feeling right now.
Did you know that I have struggled with depression since I was 12? It wasn't until the summer before I met Josh that I finally pushed myself to get help. Now the pain from it all is so rare that it shocks me every time I feel that dark gray cloud looming overhead. It seems like I have to fight a bit harder right now and I know its just a time of testing. I'll get through it, I always do, but I think I am just trying to hard to fight everyone's battles alone. I cannot possibly do this and sometimes I forget that. The thing is, I absolutely hate watching people hurt and it seems like so many friends are hurting right now. I wish I could just fix everything for everyone and I know that I cannot do that. So I pray. A lot. I just always want my friends to know I am there. ALWAYS. You know what is sad? Back in college I had a classmate who turned to me and said, "You cannot be a Christian and have depression. If you are depressed then you aren't really a Christian." WHOA. She wasn't speaking about me, she was speaking in a general sense, but she had NO IDEA the pain that I had gone through. Guess what? You can be sad and love Jesus all the same, and He will get you through it.
I don't know if any of you are still here reading. Probably not and that's okay. If any of you are, I just wanted to let you know that all of this has kept me from blogging. You know I'm always talking about being open and honest on here, but I found myself unable to blog because I didn't want to be honest about all of this. I love to smile and I like to make others smile and this stuff? This stuff is just sad. But, it's my reality now. And I realized that even if this only helps one person on this whole Earth, well, then it's so worth me typing out the raw emotions I am feeling right now. Can I be honest about blogging? Some days it is such a wonderful thing and I LOVE it. There were a few times where I thought it might be fun to make money off of the blog just because I'm always wanting to make a buck. Yet, I love feeling like I have nothing holding me back. I can post about anything I want because it's mine. You know what holds me back from posting more often? Criticism. I find myself tortured when no one comments. What a bad bad attitude to have. Yes, I have chosen to be out here on the vast internet, but I need to always remind myself that I am blogging for me and in doing so, I hope some of you like what I have to offer. I'm learning to let go of my fears from my wonderful husband. I don't think he knows that he is teaching me anything, but he is. See, Josh, and all of those other real estate agents out there handle rejection, criticism, failures, etc. each day. How they do this with a smile on their face is beyond me! It's why I have always said I could never be an agent...they must have backbones made of steel. Either way, I am so proud of Josh and what he does every day and I am thankful that I am learning to not take everything to heart. Phew..that's hard.
Well, thanks for any of you that made it through this novel. I know I never have pictureless posts, but that's just what you are getting today...especially since I am without my trusty laptop. Thanks for allowing me to be honest always :) If any of this was familiar to you, know that I am always praying for you and that you can make it through, you just have to believe that you can!